You may know someone whose name appeared on a circulated Ashley Madison list. What you may not know are the details about the path that lead him to be on the list in the first place. Monogamy may be a black and white issue for you, but the circumstances that lead someone to that site may reside in the very scary gray area in between. If you are married and have never floated through the gray area whether the issue is fidelity, finance, or faith, you are ahead of the masses and you need to keep doing whatever it is you are doing. I am grateful that I haven’t heard from any friends or family dealing with finding their spouse’s name on the list. But for anyone that has, I’m sorry you are dealing with something like this. Hopefully, even if it shakes the foundation of your marriage, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end.

In noticing that comments about Ashley Madison are still surfacing, it really made me think about how black and white things have become. How settled in we are to what we believe, whether it is well founded or not. Don’t get me wrong, I admire someone who can hold on to their convictions despite the extended list of issues that stand ready to shake our moral compasses. It just seems like there might be some digging in and holding on happening simply for the sake of digging in and holding on. For a Type A like me, I wish it were as simple as one way or another. Period. Black OR white. No gray. Never gray. But things just aren’t that way. I have found more recently than ever, that I have to more closely consider both sides of just about everything that pops up. And sometimes much to my chagrin, I find myself lost in the middle, hoping for something to bring me to the shore of certainty on one side or the other. Mostly because things are ever-changing. That is NOT to say that I will necessarily waver on my position, but I believe I owe it to myself to consider the information before digging my heels in just for the sake of not having to adopt a new idea or belief.

The everyday stuff is hard. The life changing stuff is hard. It’s just all harder. Things that I once thought I would never waver on, have now become some of the very things that I question. Things that I thought I was indifferent about have become more definitive one way or another. Of course there are some certainties. Fire is hot. Water is wet. The sky is blue. You get the gist.

Issues popping up all around me are now taking up space on the growing list of things that I have found myself thinking more about . . . like . . . would I eventually be able to forgive a drunk driver that hurts someone that I love? Would my position change if he did so during the commission of his 3^rd DUI offense? Do I forgive him, or do I let the hate and resentment I feel steal all of my joy going forward because I deem it an unforgivable offense? At what cost do I hold on to so much anger? Maybe a gun owner that I know takes the life of someone while defending his family and property. Perhaps the shooter was within his right to do so, and I can feel justified in condemning the criminal and absolving the shooter. Does my position change if the criminal is my nephew or the son of my best friend and I know that if not for drugs and desperation, he would have never committed such a crime? Let’s say a friend or family member is killed in the line of duty while serving as a law enforcement officer or soldier in the military. I am now hyper-aware and respectful of someone in uniform. Is it really more so than before? Is it a conscience change? Maybe my life gets flipped on its head because of a downturn in the economy, the awful healthcare crisis, the sweeping drug epidemic, or someone I love has been diagnosed with cancer, to which no one is immune. Do these things change me and what I believe? I think they most certainly have to, right?

We all have opinions about these things. Some of us have very strong opinions about sex, religion, politics, parenting, health, finance, and all of the other hot button topics popping up all around us. Do you feel equipped to take a stance on some or all of these topics, and believe that you can commit with certainty that you will never change your position?  How can you be so certain? I feel like I am not certain at all anymore. My only certainty is that I know that the pendulum will continue to swing from one side to the other, and every now and again, it might stop in the middle. But even when it does stop in the very gray middle, it is usually only for a moment. Just long enough to believe that I know what side of the issue I have safely landed on, and then . . . the shift begins again. How do you handle the pendulum swing? Are you able to ride the shift and continue to see things from new perspectives? Or, do you cling to your comfort and refuse to move?

The truth is that our opinions become our truth. The truth is also that our truth isn’t everyone else’s truth no matter how much we will it to be. The position that you commit to, and promise to always defend, could change. Maybe it should. Maybe not. But don’t you have to take it issue by issue to know for sure one way or the other?

A difference of opinion can open us up to a dialogue allowing us to see differing viewpoints, or they can be presented as an absolute certainty that shuts down the conversation before it is even allowed to take place.

Don’t you want to at least have the conversation?  Even the uncomfortable ones?  I do. I mean I don’t, but I do. I really do. And I can say now, especially the uncomfortable ones. I need to give someone the opportunity to poke holes in my theory or idea. If they can, I have much to consider. If they can’t, I still have much to consider. Either way, in all likelihood, while doing so, I will be uncomfortably in the gray area finding my truth.